Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
