Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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