the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
