My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
