then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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