I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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