I love black thongs
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
