I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
