you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
