If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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