it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i love accidental penises.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
