Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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