i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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