OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
