Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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