You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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