Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
