Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i out mim tonsoeep
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