ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
