Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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