im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
