yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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