Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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