apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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