I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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