I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize