Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize