I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
