you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize