I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
