I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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