it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize