I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
