I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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