How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The uberlube is also flammable
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
