I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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