you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Never underestimate the power of titties
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