I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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