He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You were trust falling into bushes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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