He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize