I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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