Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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