Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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