some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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