I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
