i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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