Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
