Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
