Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
