I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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