Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
