if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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