well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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