You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
