She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
