Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
