In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
