Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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