Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
