don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
