Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
