so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
